a different girl

How do I cope with who I am when the person in my head isn’t really me?

Do you ever imagine future scenarios and then watch them play out in your head like a movie? The answer is probably yes, I’m fairly certain almost everyone does this. I’ve been doing this a lot, especially lately when I think about going to Germany. I picture myself walking through foreign cities, having afternoon coffee in cute outdoor cafes, meeting new people and making friends. I imagine my outfits and how I’ll do my hair and makeup. The only problem is when I put all these things together and begin to watch all the scenes unfold in my head, I’ve found the person staring back at me isn’t really me.

Since the time I was little, I’ve always known I was fat and I have a lot of self-esteem issues because of it. I let how I look hold me back from a lot of things and to counteract the discomfort I feel in my own skin I’ve created a new person in my head. They are the me I’ve tricked myself into believing that I am. The girl in my head is not me because the girl in my head is beautiful. Her beauty makes her confident and brave. Her beauty allows her to travel the world, doing all the things the real me has always dreamed about.

But what happens when me and this person in my head collide? In a few months, the girl exploring Europe and living her dreams will be me- not the girl I’ve built in my head. I will have to be confident and brave, but unlike the girl in my head, I don’t have my beauty to shield me from my fears. How do I become this person when I still look like me?


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